I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My life in a nutshell
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this