I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”