I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?