*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man