COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes