Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
and now we wait
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I don’t make the rules sorry
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird