I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You Might Also Like
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”