*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Does this dress make me look cat?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours