[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
when someone compliments me
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.