Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
it’s either covid or clever vampires
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.