“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
respect
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion