Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
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Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.