You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Not messing around
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
courtroom exchange of the day
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.