I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.