Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.