My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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Thursday
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show