when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
OMG 🤣🤣
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*feels the wind in my toe hair