ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
mentally somewhere in italy
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS