me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please