Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
got so much cardio in today
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.