wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts