If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.