I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
You Might Also Like
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.