I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.