*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Finally!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.