Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test