hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
You Might Also Like
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
No way!
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?