Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Denise please return my vape pen
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
the dark web is just a goth google.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush