My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂