Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.