[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…