when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!