[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing