“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Morning my dudes.