Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me