If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Looking at you, Jesus.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”