[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.