*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
spicy snake
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?