While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.