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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Those are good neighbors.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
this FaceApp is creepy af
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds