I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.