Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”