Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
yea so i messed up lol
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li