Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.