You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Oh yeah that’s it
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3