“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)