Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
decorating my apartment
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Dammit Chief not again
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit