Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation