I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough