[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
You Might Also Like
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.